be careful
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
He’s dead
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
#Caturday
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.