@omgthatspunny: Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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@bombscribe: If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have? No chance of blocking an uppercut.
@ADDiane: Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
@SarahJonesVent: How to Parallel Park 1. Back in slowly 2. Nope wrong angle 3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic 4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
@Holy_Mowgli: [God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson] Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that's not how it happened