@omgthatspunny: Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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@chimneyspotter: DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male's efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain [me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
@CoopSoSarc: I was feeling great about myself when I saw my number on the womens bathroom wall 'for a good time'. Then I recognized my hand writing.
@Heldinchains: The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate. I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that's iffy
@Robert_Beau: The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.