Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
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[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
No, I don’t think I will.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap