@omgthatspunny: Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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@infamousone96: You tell me to "walk a mile in your shoes" but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
@geowizzacist: *Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break* *Takes kid to pub* *Bumps into wife at pub*
@JaiWalker: *buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* *panics* OMG WHAT'S THAT NOISE? *son walks in with powered toothbrush* *buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* thank GOD.
@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings. ME: *leans in close* I don't care what you like.