@msdanifernandez: *conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
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@CopBroughtPizza: gf: i'm breaking up with you. me: is it my drinking habits? gf: well it... me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
@Sean_Burgundy_: My 40 yard dash time: 5.5 My 40 yard dash time after seeing my gf with my phone in her hands: 4.3
@Shock_Monster: Frozen pizza recalled? The government appears to have changed tactics to combat drug users: Legalize pot, but take away their food.
@noog: Cop: Is that a turtle? Me: ... Cop: Painted blue? Me: ... Cop: With nails glued on? Me: ... Cop: Mario Kart's not real Me: YOURE NOT REAL