*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
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why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.