Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
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My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
The first one, obviously
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Yes, this is exactly right
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!