Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
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cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
WHO DID THIS?
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.