Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
You Might Also Like
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid