“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
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When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon