@behindyourback: "conference" comes from the Latin "con" meaning "together with" and "ference" meaning "the worst people on earth"
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@ArfMeasures: OWNER: The museum's ready? ME: All the artichokes are in place OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts [I slam the door shut] ME: U cannot go in there
@spekulation: My phone corrects "haha" to "hahaha", so all my friends think they're 50% funnier than they actually are.
@AristotlesNZ: Me: I don't like online shopping. I'm old school. I need to touch it, smell it, taste it. Her: I still need you to leave our lingerie store.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: You should be nicer to me. You'll never have another dad. 5-year-old: Don't be so sure. Mom is pretty.