“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
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The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Saturday
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I’ve been drinking.