[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
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After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.