[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
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are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Netflix and awkward silence?
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”