Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
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think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.