Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
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*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.