If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
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My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
im 7 sauces long