Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
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I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
6. me as a lawyer
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.