Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
You Might Also Like
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
finally
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Smile they said.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.