“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
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Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
“i am a sweet baby”
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.