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*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER