@DanMentos: confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
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@perfect_messs: [Miss America] I gracefully take off my sports bra as my talent. Everyone is in awe. I win the crown for doing what no woman has done before
@liv_thatsme: Me (to stock boy): Tell the manager there's a mess in Aisle 6 *Manager arrives* Me: I really appreciate this, I've just been really lonel-
@ConanOBrien: Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
@OmgMeDamnit: Don't waste time thinking about what's wrong with you. Instead, focus on what's wrong with other people.