confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
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If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.