confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
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*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.