[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
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i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Me if I was a dog
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.