[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
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My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
New comic up. “Ransom”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
good work, detective
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.