[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
You Might Also Like
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
May have had one breakfast too many
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
These work great until they don’t.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today