[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
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WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting