[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
You Might Also Like
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Sing it!
How to find Kentucky on a map
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.