I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
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I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!