[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
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[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.