Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
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First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.