Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
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This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.