Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
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[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I am HOWLING at this
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?