*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
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Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.