Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
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Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room