Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
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Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!