@thewritertype: Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
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@hrtbps: "How can it be global warming," pondered @realDonaldTrump, "if it's cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard."
@novicefather: My wife is addicted to goji berries but I wish she was addicted to something cheaper like cocaine.
@markedly: BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card ME: How'd you know it wasn't me B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try M: Dear god