Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
how much for the angry fruit?
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.