Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
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me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
“That’s what” – She
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
You are what you delete.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.