@huntigula: confuse your coworkers today by telling them you're going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
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@tastefactory: PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
@CrazyIdiot6: Friends- What did you get for your birthday? Her- He went to Jared Friends- You're engaged!!! Her- No Jared is our weed dealer
@SortaBad: *Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror* *Feels confident* *"Hi I'd like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay"* *dammit*
@LionJenkins: Autocorrect just changed "Selfies" to "Selfless" so I just took a picture without me in it.