confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
You Might Also Like
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.