Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
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Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
“I wouldn’t.”
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?