Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
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My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
man i love columbo
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
wish me luck lads
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.