Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
You Might Also Like
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.