It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
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God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.