when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
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“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Isn’t
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce