@awkwardphilippe: Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
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@LuvPug: Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
@captainkalvis: [engagement party] brother: show us the ring! me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i'm gettin married
@: *Movie's 10 second sex scene begins My dad who's been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin'