Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
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charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I am crying
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.