Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
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EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?