“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
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One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
lol
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.