“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
You Might Also Like
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Best misinterpreted text ever!
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
The glory of fall.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
uh oh