Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
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Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Ok but actually
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
They’re not wrong
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane