If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
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My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.