Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
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(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?